Prologue
I
stare at the pink lines in disbelief; my hands are shaking profusely, tears
welling up in my eyes and ready to spill over, a sick feeling of dread in the
pit of my stomach. My worst fears right before my eyes. My. Life. Is. Over. How
could this happen? I was sure we were so careful. Well maybe not a hundred
percent certain, evidently. Oh my God! Still in shock, I feel a tear slide down
my cheek now as I stare at the graffiti filled stall door. This isn’t
happening. Well, it is. My
subconscious screams at me. You were
careless.
Chapter 1:
“What does it say?” Megan, my best friend
asks. I’m unable to speak, so I open the door and once she takes the stick from
my grasp, I hear her sigh. “Oh my God Gracie.”
I
sit on the toilet seat of Target in horror, staring at my shaking hands. I had
so much I wanted to accomplish before it came down to this-pink lines indicating
a positive pregnancy test. My parents will kill me because they didn’t even
know I was having sex with my boyfriend. Surely, they’ll know now. Nick!
I close my eyes at the thought of having to tell my
boyfriend that his life is on the verge of changing drastically. He’s the star
football player and is probably getting a scholarship to play pro ball at one
of his dream schools. I just know how he will react and it’s not a good one.
What will become of us now?
“What
are you going to do?” She asks, leaning against the door with her arms crossed
over her chest. I shake my head. I have no idea. I know what I’m about to do as
I get off the seat and heave all of my shame and fears right into the toilet.
Meg stands behind me moving my hair from my face and rubbing my back. I hate
that she has to see me puking and even worse, smelling it. Well, there go hamburgers for a while.
I stand up and walk to the sink to wash my puke-filled
face, but first I catch a glimpse of my tear stricken face, all red and splotchy.
Oh this is a nice view. I’m sure Nick is proud to be my boyfriend. I hadn’t
realized I’d been crying giant alligator tears. I must be too shocked to notice
I’m in sobs right now. Ugh this sucks!
“I
don’t know. I just. I don’t know how this happened.” I try to catch my breath.
“Well,
typically this happens when two people-guy and girl have sex and don’t use
protection and one of those stubborn little guys they call sperm enters and
attaches itself to the egg and BAM…” She claps her hands for extra effect. I
laugh a little at her useful lesson on unsafe sex, because apparently I didn’t
know how it worked. But then again, I obviously ignored the lesson during Sex
Ed so maybe I needed this lesson. It’s a little too late now.
I
roll my eyes and grip the sink, trying to steady and balance myself. This is
just too much. It’s amazing how things can change so quickly.
“Thanks
Meg, I guess I never really knew how the whole thing worked. Glad I have you to
teach me these things. Though beforehand would have been more ideal.” She
smiles as if she’d just won an award for best actress at an award show.
“Well,
that certainly explains why you’ve had such a bad case of morning sickness
lately.”
It’s
true, I’ve been throwing up for the past few weeks and I didn’t know why. I
just figured it was a bug or something. But what kind of bug lasts more than a
few days, let alone a few weeks? Shit! I let go of the sink and face Megan. She
hands me my proof of irresponsibility. Fuck, what am I going to tell my
parents? Nick? I’m so screwed! I need more time before I can face them.
“I’d
hate to say it, but this is some serious shit Grace! You’re going to have to
come clean. Soon.” I nod, totally zoned out as I stare at the floor. My eyes
don’t blink. This is totally wack! “Grace?” She says, bringing me back to the
here and now. I meet her gaze and nod again.
“I’m
scared. This is going to change everything, Meg.” She takes my hand in hers and
squeezes. I don’t know what I’d do without her. I couldn’t go through this
alone. I give her the tiniest smile but it comes out forced.
Abortion
had crossed my mind, but could I live with myself after it was done? At least I
waited until my senior year to get knocked up instead of sooner.
“Well,
there’s always adoption…or.” I glance at her and shake my head firmly.
“No,
I’ve thought about that. But I can’t. I’ll just deal with the changes, the
consequences. I have to. I mean sure, I could have the baby and then give them
up for adoption but I’d never have an abortion willingly. Not ever. I need some
time though, to get the courage to tell people.” I push myself off the counter
and walk over to the stall and snatch my purse up, slipping the stick into the
side pocket.
For
some reason, I feel compelled to keeping the stick, not sure why. Weird. Who
keeps stuff like that? It has my urine on it, sure it’s dry but that’s kind of
gross. I quickly take it out, grab a paper towel and wrap the stick in it then
put it back in my purse.
“Better.”
I turn to Megan, “Ready?” I ask, as I still feel ill. She nods and we walk out
of the bathroom of Target.
The
next day at school I am in my own zone, and try to keep a strong hold on my
emotions. I stand by Meg’s locker waiting for her, studying everyone that
passes by wondering what their future plans entail. I used to know what I
wanted and now, I’m at a loss. I lean my head back against the locker and close
my eyes.
Hey,
you okay?” I open my eyes as Meg approaches me. I move so she can open her
locker and get her things for class. Our school is pretty average in size and I
still don’t know half the people in my class. But a lot of them know me, being
the girlfriend of the quarterback and all. I never cared about popularity, yet
it claimed me. I’d rather be unnoticed. But I get the meanest looks from people
I have never seen or don’t care to talk to. And I’m sure it has to do with
jealousy and the fact that Nick is dating me-an average joe. People are so superficial,
it’s ridiculous.
My
parents weren’t always wealthy or well off. We had a lot of struggles when I
was a kid. My grandparents helped us at times, which my too proud parents
wouldn’t admit it at first. They hated getting handouts. My parents didn’t have
the easy life and yet they managed pretty well, to give me what I needed and
some things I wanted-even if it meant they would go without. They always put my
brother Tyler and I first. Our house is a two-story sandstone house with a
brownish color(but it could be more of a mauve color really) shutters that
stand out quite nicely and make it more modern-ish, a two-car garage in the
front-4 bedrooms, 2 baths. We have a garden in the front where my mother loves
to plant pretty colorful flowers. My dad’s office faces the front-which is a
disgusting yellow color that he painted last year. I told him I didn’t want any
part in his painting party, so he made my younger brother help him. God bless
that kid. I got to paint my room any color I wanted-I chose a flowery border
and painted the walls light purple with pictures of unicorns and fairies-my two
favorite things. Of course that was when I was a little younger, I haven’t
changed it. All of my furniture is polished-nightstand, desk, bookshelf (which
consists of movies and games, some books since I’m not a reader) and my
entertainment center. I used to have a bunk bed where I would sleep on the top
bed and all of my stuffed animals and dolls would sleep on the bottom. I got
rid of that though and settled for a regular day bed. My window is cool because
it comes out like those bay windows and I use that for pillows-decoration. We
have a bay window in the living room too. A lot of things have changed,
especially since we used to live in a one-story house with three bedrooms and
two bathrooms. My parents used to let Tyler sleep with them but he had his
clothes and toys in my room. Life wasn’t always easy for my family.
My
mother was sixteen when she had me. And now I’m seventeen and pregnant and it
scares the hell out of me.
“Yeah,
I’m alright.” I lie, just to appease my best friend.
“No,
you’re not. You can’t lie to me. I know you’re terrified.” She can always see
right through me. I sigh audibly and face her, frowning. She pulls me in for a
hug and I want to lose it, right there but I don’t. “It’s going to work out.
You just need to tell your parents soon. They will support you, I’m sure.”
I
look at her and raise an eye brow. “Yeah, right because this is what they want
for their daughter-a repeat of the shit they went through at our age. They’ll
probably tell me to give the baby up for adoption since I can’t really provide
for this child.” How am I going to provide for this child? I can’t even provide
for myself. I’m only a student and a kid at that. So many thoughts race through
my head before I realize Nick is standing behind me and wrapping his arms
around my waist. I turn around quickly and find him smiling. “Hey babe.”
I
swallow my guilt and fear as I fake a smile and hug him back. “Hi.” I glance at
Meg and she shrugs, sympathetically.
“I
have to go class.” I say, trying to escape. This is not the place to tell him,
nor am I ready to. I hold my stomach feeling nauseous-unsure if it’s from the
whole situation I was thrown into or if it’s one of the symptoms, but knowing I
have to get out of here.
“Are
you okay? You look sick.” Nick puts his hand on my shoulder and caresses my
bare skin.
“Yeah,
I’m fine.” I answer feeling the vomit rise in my throat, the taste makes me
cringe.
“Let
me walk you to class then.” I shake my head and push his arm away.
“No,
I need to go to the bathroom real quick. Just go, I’ll see you later.” And
before he has a chance to respond, I am running to the bathroom just in time
for my very light breakfast to be released in the toilet. My throat stings as
more comes up and I strategically wrap my hair to one side of my side so it
doesn’t get messy. I hear footsteps in the bathroom and the sound stops when
they approach me.
“Gracie,
honey.” Meg takes my hair from my hand and holds it with one of hers while she
fiddles with her purse and gets out a pony tail. I am hunched over the toilet,
wondering if there is anything left to come up. My body shakes and my head
throbs inside my skull. The bell rang ten minutes ago but I can’t go to class looking
like death.
“I
can’t do this Meg. Being sick all the time is really starting to affect me. I
can’t do it.” I grab toilet paper and dab my mouth to remove all vomit. Meg
wets a paper towel and puts it in my hand, placing my hand over my forehead.
“You
are going to be fine. It will suck for a little bit. But I think you’re going
to be okay.” The cool water relaxes me. I sit on my bottom and lean against the
stall, pulling my knees up to my chest.
“I
can’t. I don’t know what to do. Please, tell me what to do. I am so scared.” I
bury my face in my hands and let out a sob, until there are no more tears to
cry. Meg flushes the toilet and rubs my back to comfort me just sitting with
me.
After
going to the nurse and being sent home for being sick, I lie in my bed staring
at my ceiling. I have two options, well really three but that one I would never
consider even if it’s not a baby yet. I feel that is playing God too much and I
won’t do that. But I think about my other two options: adoption and keeping it.
On the one hand, there are many women out there that can’t have babies and
would probably be able to provide a stable and wonderful life for it. And then
there is me-a careless sex crazed teenager that has no clue how to raise a baby
or where to live or how to give it all the necessities that comes with being a
parent. Not to mention, I have my fears about what will happen once I tell Nick
about it. Will he leave me? Or will he face his responsibilities as a man? But
what happens when he gets accepted into a good school? Will he drop it to help
me raise this baby? I close my eyes at the prospect of the very first thought
being accurate, which scares the hell out of me. I couldn’t fathom the idea of
being a single parent. It makes me ill.
It’s
September 13, which means if I do calculations correctly-I probably conceived
middle or end of last month because my last period was...I can’t even remember
what I last ate. So now I am having trouble remembering my last period. But I
think it would put me at being due by the time I graduate in June, or end of
May. Who knows? I need to see a doctor.
Chapter 2
“So, what did they
say?” Meg asks. I purse my lips together in nervousness, though she can’t see.
I was supposed to tell my parents a couple days ago about my revelation, but
chickened out. Yeah, call me a coward.
“I
didn’t tell them yet. Can I just move to Europe for nine months, come back and
let the baby tell them?” She laughs.
“You
have to tell them soon Gracie. Your parents have to get you an appointment with
the doctor, to check and make sure everything is okay.” I sigh loudly, into the
phone, wishing I could just disappear.
“I
know, I know. You’re right. Shit. Okay.” I squeeze my eyes shut, keeping out
the tears that are threatening to escape.
“I’ll
tell them. Tonight.” I hastily wipe away a tear that stubbornly got through,
little bastard. I curse myself for being so weak.
“Gracie?”
Meg asks concern in her voice.
“Uh-huh.”
I answer.
“Do
you want me to be there when you tell them?” I think about it for a minute. On
the one hand, it would be nice to have my best friend here for support and
encouragement. But on the other, it makes me look weak and feel like a pussy.
“Thanks,
but I think I have to do this alone.” I sit on my bed and clutch my pillow
tightly to my chest.
“Okay,
call if you need me.” I smile inwardly at her amazing love and support. She’s
always had my back, since second grade. I love her and the fact that in any
situation I place myself in, she never turns her cheek the other way. Friends
like that are rare.
“I
will.” Before I hang up, she says, “Grace?”
“Yes?”
I reply.
“It’s
going to be okay, you’ll see.” I hope so.
After dinner, I help my mom with the dishes and clean the
table.
“So are you going to the game next week?” I hadn’t
thought about football games or school events since I found out. That was the
last thing on my mind. So I just shrug and say, “Maybe.”
I was suddenly feeling nervous, a little sick too and
emotional. But of course that maybe due to the pregnancy itself. Oh what joys I
have to look forward to. I needed to get it together before I broke down, right
here and now. Not a good way to break the news.
“I’ll be right back.” I
told her.
“Okay.”
I went to my room and
grabbed my journal I always wrote in. I tore the previous pages out so I could
start fresh. After all, this was a new journey I was about to embark on. Maybe
if I wrote down my thoughts and feelings, it would help me cope better. I hoped
it worked.
Dear
Journal,
I recently discovered I am going to
become a mom by the time I graduate high school. Some graduation present huh?
Yeah, I’m not too thrilled. Well, that’s a lie. I’m kind of excited yet scared
at the same time but I’m more scared than anything. No one knows, except my
best friend Meg. I’m going to tell my parents tonight. That will be an
unpleasant conversation. I’ll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck.
~Gracie
I close my journal, feeling a little relieved. Maybe this
will be a good thing after all. I put my journal in my desk drawer and head
down to the kitchen to face my mother.
“Where’s
dad?” I ask when I enter and see her making a pot of coffee. Ooh, yeah I need
some of that.
“He’s
upstairs in his office. Is everything alright? You left so suddenly. I thought
I said something wrong.” She had a genuine look of concern on her face and my
stomach sank. I pull a chair out and sit down. My stomach starts hurting and my
palms begin to sweat.
“You
look pale. Baby you sure you’re alright?” I sigh and rest my elbows on the
table, not in the least bit ready for this.
“No.
I need to speak to you and dad. It’s urgent.” She is frantic now as she walks
out of the kitchen and stands at the bottom of the stairs.
“Allen,
can you come down please? Your daughter needs to talk to us.” My heart starts
pounding in my chest. This is it! I
think. There’s no going back now.
I
enter the living room and sit down. My mother sits on the couch across from me,
worry etched on her forehead. I try to smile. I hold my stomach, as if in pain
but don’t make a sound. She glances at me, and then looks at the staircase.
“Allen!
Get down here!” She yells. As if on cue, my father skips down the stairs two at
a time, mumbling something I can’t quite decipher.
“I’m
here. I’m here.” He joins my mother on the couch.
Both
of them look at me, waiting for my confession. My leg starts shaking
uncontrollably.
“What’s
going on?” My eight year old brother comes down the stairs and enters the room.
I turn to his innocent face and say, “Hey, I need to talk to mom and dad for a
minute. Can you go upstairs and play for a little while?” He looks sad, like I
took his favorite toy away. I grab him in a big bear hug and kiss the top of
his head messing up his hair.
“You
can play with the play station.” His face lights up excitedly. “Really?” I nod
my head and off he goes, back up the stairs.
“What’s
going on Gracie? You’re starting to freak me out.” My mom brings me back to the
reason my legs are shaking uncontrollably and my sweaty palms. I look at them,
take a deep breath and plunge right in head first. “I’m pregnant!”
Their
eyes widen in shock, no blinking between either of them. Yeah, that was me a
few days ago too. I start to wonder if either of them is breathing, it’s been a
few minutes at least. I lean forward a little to inspect.
“Mom?”
She blinks and shakes her head, tears running down her cheeks. I sit back and
cross my legs, waiting for them to say something, anything. Yell. Scream. Storm
out. Anything but remain motionless. I’m starting to rethink telling them was a
good idea. Maybe I should have waited until I was showing then told them. They
wouldn’t hit their pregnant daughter, would they? Finally my mom breaks the
tension, my father is still motionless.
“Grace,
go upstairs. I need to talk to your father.” I obey and head to my room. I grab
my phone from the charger and text Meg.
“This is not going well.”
“I’m guessing you told them. What
did they say?”
“Nothing. They sat with no
expressions for what seemed like an eternity and then my mother started to cry.
They are talking in private now.”
“Well at least it’s out. You just
have one more important person to tell.” Yeah, the father. I
can’t even imagine how that conversation is going to go. “Hi Nick, I know you
had plans for your future, but it looks like the stars had a better idea for
you. And it includes smelly diapers, piles of laundry and a college fund- not for
you.” Great, I’m so screwed.
I
toss my phone on the bed and move to the doorway where I strain to hear the
conversation downstairs through the cracked door.
“What
are we going to do?” My mom asks. She is pacing and he seems to still be glued
to the couch from what I can see or can’t see. “Allen, say something.”
“I
don’t. I can’t. How did this happen? My little girl is going to be a mother
before she graduates high school. How is this possible? I saw a bright future
for her. Oh my God, I’m going to be a grandfather.” He laughs but it sounds
forced, strained. And I make out a little disappointment in his tone.
“This
is not the time to be funny. This is exactly what I didn’t want for our daughter.
She’s repeating our history.” I hear her sigh loudly, almost a choking sound.
Tears
stain my cheeks. Dammit all to Hell. How did I become so careless? I let my
parents down. I slide down to the floor in my bedroom, closing the door unable
to hear any more of my parent’s sad, worried voices. I was irresponsible and
now I have to pay for it.
I
hastily run my hands through my hair, grabbing a handful and yanking as hard as
I can. I bite back a scream as my scalp feels the sting. I pull my knees up to
my chest and fold my arms then bury my head and sob.
Elixir by Jennifer L. Armentrout
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